I was born and raised in a very Afrikaans church. I loved the Lord with all my heart but the only time that I spent loving on Him was 1 hour on a Sunday morning. Deep down in my heart I always knew that there was more, either I needed to give more, press more and love on Him more, or I needed to receive more from the pulpit on a Sunday. I very quickly realised that I had no hunger for God. Church soon became a chore to me, a box that I had to tick to go guilt free through my week. It became hard to serve God, all because my heart was not in the right condition.
I remember nights where I was laying in bed thinking about the kind of life I would live, the kind of man that I would marry, the kind of house I would live in, the job that I would have and the list goes on. All of those things were desires in my heart that I had (and little did I know, at that stage, that God heard every one of them and already had it planned out). I always had the discernment that the road I was on, was not taking me to those things. Don’t get me wrong, the Lord blessed and protected me all the way. You may ask why? Well, the Word of God clearly speaks about it that people perish because of a lack of knowledge, and that was exactly what I was doing, perishing without even knowing it, but God still knew my heart. He knew that my heart was to serve Him but my own choices and circumstances caused me to walk the wide road that the Bible says leads to destruction, not the narrow road that leads to Him.
There were many things that happened in my life and I always looked to others around me to fill that void. Once again, I completely perished because I did not know the will of God. I opened many doors that should never have been opened and gave the enemy every possible inroad into my life. It didn’t take the enemy long to run rampant with my life. You see, in my natural temperament (which is totally and fully subject to the Word of God at this stage in my life), I am one to very easily isolate myself from people, I can overthink things very quickly and the enemy knew that.
From being a little girl, I loved completely and I loved with my whole heart, even when someone would do bad things. I found myself in that situation in my matric year, where I loved a person so completely that when that person decided that they did not want me as part of their life anymore, mine fell apart. It was such a soul tie, that the enemy had all the right to take what he took from me. I gave him the permission through the things that I did and the words I spoke. It didn’t take me very long to come into a complete state of depression where I did not come out of my room for months, except for going to the bathroom. I did not eat and I slept most of the day. I did not want to be near other people or have them be near me.
I did not see the point anymore in doing anything. One night I found myself in a position where my heart cried out to the Lord out of desperation like I have never experienced before. I applied to go study but deep down in my heart I saw no point in it anymore. Everything that I had dreamed of as that little girl laying in bed, was now something that I did not even want anymore.
I was accepted at various universities to go and study either Civil Engineering, Industrial Engineering or Physchology and Physiology. In the meantime, one of my high school classmates posted a picture on her WhatsApp status that just gripped my heart. I got a glimpse back at the heart of that young girl. I reached out to her and before I knew it a pastor from her church (little did I know that it would soon become my home too) called me in for a meeting. At that stage, I opened the front door, but in the meantime having a back door open for “just in case this was not going to happen”. But God wanted it to happen and it did. We got our matric results and I was getting everything ready to leave for university, but God. Just a few days before I had to start at the university that pastor called me and said that I should join the young group of people at church.
At first I had no clue what they were doing except thinking that is was a “gap year”. It did not take the Lord very long to deal with me on that matter. I knew that the group of youngsters where seeking first His Kingdom, but I had no idea of the immense spiritual shift that happened the year before with a block of messages called “I will take the children”. They were not busy with a gap year but instead they left all the plans they had for themselves, to pursue His plans for them.
Now, I have been here for 3 years. You might ask “what has changed?” Well, everything has changed. Firstly, my mindset has changed that this is not a one year thing, but a life choice, that no matter how long it will take, I will not move or be shaken. He is my Creator and He is not confused. He knows the plans and purposes that He has for my life because He wrote them and He is now walking and living it with me. Secondly, my whole life has changed, I do not see things like I usually saw them, I do not do things how I would usually do them and I do not go or occupy myself with the things I usually did. He has completely taken hold of not only the whole of my heart, but the whole of my life. I love Him more than any thing and any one else.
My whole life long I did what I wanted to do to fit in with the popular culture of the day, but that only got me into trouble. He only needed that one cry of my heart to Him, for Him to be on abound to take me for Himself. Now, I not only live my life, but I live it on purpose, on assignment for and with Him. For the first time in my life, I can say with absolute confidence and assurance that I am His Beloved, His daughter, called and separated unto Him to fullfill all those good works which He has planned for me to do and that He will furnish me in abundance for every one of them. I will never forget how He came and saved me from drowning, with His full and complete love that is far to great to even explain. He is the Lover of my Soul, the Fire burning within me and the Zeal consuming me, so how then is He not on abound to also be my First Love?
